I realized yesterday how tired I am of waiting. Waiting on the Marine Corps to let my husband spend time with us, waiting on my children to grow a little before we take that trip that they "may" make difficult, waiting on someone to join me at some location or event so I wouldn't be alone. I sat there and really looked at all the things I wanted to do and thought, man I should have already done some of these. How many of you feel the same way?
My husband has been in the Marine Corps for almost 11 years now, seven of those blessed years I have been by his side. In that time we have gone through two deployments, two duty stations (not a lot compared to most), moved to four different houses, and more training op's than I can count. To say the least we didn't see him much. So when he said he would be nondeployable for three years I just about peed my pants with excitement. He was going to be working on his SDA (special duty assignment for non-military peeps out there) which is usually required to pick up rank in the Marine Corps. He warned me that it was going to be long hours. But hey, he would be home right? He would be on US soil, in the same states, in the same city, in our house for 3 whole years. No waiting with my phone in hand at all times (even to go to the bathroom) , no more worrying if he is hurt or even alive, he would get to play with the kiddos and watch them grow and learn. We would be a normal family with a normal life. Wooohoo! So I thought. Going into this I was EXCITED to say the least! Plus we were moving to California (definite upgrade from Jacksonville, NC). So how did it all turn sour? THE MARINE CORPS, lol.
Now don't get your panties in a bunch. I am not blaming the MC for any of this. He knew what he was getting into and apparently so did I (we'll come back to that, lol). He loves being a Marine, he even got out for a few months and came back in because he loved it and missed it so much. We have great benefits and a stable, sort of, job. However, this is no stroll in the park my friends. I think I have seen him less while doing this SDA then the entire time we spent in Lejeune. Side Note: If you ever hear a wife complain and say "God I would rather him be deployed," its not because we want them in danger or because we don't like them. It's because at that point we know he will not be coming home for 6-9 months. There is no waiting to see if he will be home today or if he will have the weekend off to play with his children. We don't mean it, its just something we use as a fallback term out of frustration. I mean if your going to keep him away that much it almost feels that way. We start to get into a groove and then BAM he's home while you were loading the children in the van about to take them somewhere to keep their/your mind off daddy. Now they want to see him, but, he's too tired to go anywhere. So you unload the kiddos and sit around the house all day just so they can spend time with him. It happens ALL the time, I swear at the worst times. Ok back to the topic now, rant over, lol. The kiddos and I spend a lot of time waiting on daddy. Why you ask? Good questions. Guilt. Guilt that he will be missing out. Sadness. Sadness that he isn't there to enjoy it with us, it always has a way of creeping its ugly little head while your doing something fun and he isn't there to enjoy it with you. So we wait.
Well I am done waiting. We will be going places and doing things more often. Daddy we are sorry, not that we are leaving you behind, but sorry that you can't join us due to work. As much as we love you and want you there we can't wait around any longer. Our babies are growing up way too fast and they are missing out on learning and playing in different places. I remembered a conversation recently that I had with my husband when we first started talking about children. I don't know why I totally pushed it to the back of my mind until now. I remember telling him, "You are going to miss out on a lot, you know that right?" he said he understood and could live with it. Never did I think to ask myself if I understood, could I live with it? Well thats still something I can't answer. All I know is that my husband is my best friend and my soulmate (eat it up, I said it, lol) its a work in progress. I work everyday to fill the void where he should be most days. With that said we love you daddy but we are leaving you behind. I am no longer going to grieve your absence. I will wholeheartedly enjoy those trips and events with my babies. I will be doing tons more now. I promise that I will take pictures and try to remind them of you during our adventures. When you're there GREAT, when you're not well to bad.
That brings me to my babies. Man, how many of you mommas/daddas have said "we'll do that when they get a little bigger." STOP, do it now! I know its hard, hey most days I have to do it alone. There will always be an excuse, excuse aren't rare or even few and far between. They are easy. Now is the time, later may not be there. Now maybe its easier for me to think that way since my husband is thrown into danger more often than I would like, or because both of my parents were diagnosed with cancer almost a year apart. So I am forced to think that way sometimes more than most. AGAIN STOP! Take them on those trips, let them enjoy it to. Live like today is all you have. Teach them everything you have to offer. Let them grow thru different cultures and locations. I mean I never thought that my 4 year old would be able to ski, but thanks to my momma pushing me. He did and he did awesome. This is what I mean. Try things with them, take them new places, let them decided if they want to try it or not. You will be surprised at how much they can do and how much they can overcome with your help and support.
As far as myself. Maybe its because I am a little older and a little wiser now but I will no longer need a buddy, I have two buddies. I need to get up and out of my head and just do it. Granted my kids can't go rafting or skydiving, which I would love to do. But I can learn a new language and teach them while I learn, I can surf, hey I can teach them that to. I am not bound to the idea that I have to have someone to go with me to enjoy it. It's rather freeing to think that way now that its in writing. Plan on your own and do it. If someone can join you great if you have to do it alone well life is like that. Stop sitting around and waiting on everyone else. You are just neglecting yourself from opportunities that beautiful life has to offer. I am an American and with that I am able to make my own choices and do things others can't. Take that and run with it. As Nike says, "Just do it!"
xoxo,
Jessica
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